Life with an Angel Warrior in Heaven

For months I have been meaning to post again on how life has been since our little man went to be with Jesus! Sorry I was not able to do it sooner, sometimes it was because i didnt have the time, and other days it was just a bit too difficult for me to handle.

So what has life been like since Zane went to be with his Daddy? Although I am young I have experienced quite a bit of heartache in my life. I have gone through many experiences most women would avoid like the plague. I used to say I had experienced everything a women does not want to experience except losing a child if that gives you an idea of the array of situations I have come through thus far. Obviously now that has changed. What I can say is that the loss of a child is literally unlike any other pain or loss ever. I sincerely dont even want anyone to imagine how it feels, particularly parents. I am a woman that ordinarily has a fast rebound rate after a storm of life rolls through. However, with losing Zane this was just not the case, but not for lack of trying. I tried all of my usual strategies for staying positive and keeping my head up and overall just feeling like me, but they proved pointless.

I had to resolve in my mind that for a while it would seem that i would i just have to be sad and work through the pain. Many of the people around me were going on with life as usual, enjoying themselves, as they should. Meanwhile, I longed to be that way again. Not to say I haven't enjoyed anything these last few months because i have, but everything has been a little different. That is to say I haven't felt like I could fully enjoy things the way I used to, and everyday no matter how much I fought it this overwhelming wave of grief would overtake me. Some days I was just sad because I could no longer hold him, some days I was feeling like i should have spent more time at the hospital, some days I was wondering if I made the right decisions medically, and some days I was crying just thinking of some of my favorite moments with my sweet little man. Its quite difficult to accurately convey the myriad of emotions I experienced over the last few months, but I think most often I felt like a stranger in my own body just fighting to get back to being me.

I even had moments of struggling with my faith. In the last several months I never doubted the reality of God, but I had moments of confusion where I wondered things like "what now?", or "what was the point exactly and what is the point now?" These are questions that I did not and would not dismiss easily. Also, surprisingly I lost a dear friend through this experience. I am aware of the fact that this experience has changed me quite a bit, and it was these changes from being my  normal, happy, chipper self that drove this friend away. However, I am trusting the Lord to do what is necessary in their heart and mine to put us exactly where He would have us be.

The Lord in His graciousness reminded me of His faithfulness as well as His sovereignty. Life without Zane has definitely been more difficult than I ever could have imagined, but God helped me to remember that this isn't the end of my story, and I just need to continue to trust His guidance. Today is the day my little warrior would have been 9 months old and the 24th marked the five month anniversary of his new life in heaven. It was last week that I began to really feel like myself again. I still think of Zane daily but I am incredibly happy to be back to my optimistic joyful self!

The Lord continues in His faithfulness to me and my little family. He has brought me through a few surgeries since bringing Zane home, one of the bigger ones that was a little hard on me was a craniotomy! I had this done around Christmas and was extremely sick on Christmas Eve but since I have been relieved of migraines, pressure from changes in elevation, and dizzy spells. Praise Jesus! My kids and I still watch videos of baby Zane on days when they ask to go see him, but they are so happy he gets to be in heaven with our Daddy. Thank you all so much for your care and prayers through our journey with Zane. Be blessed!

Play Baby Play

On Monday October 24, 2011 my baby boy went to be with Jesus. It has been 12 days and I haven't slowed down since, until this hour. There is an aching inside that doesn't go away. It's like a stabbing pain in my left side that seems connected by a string to the pain in my heart. It's always there, sometimes more agonizing than other, but it doesn't go away. I miss him so much; I am sure nothing in him wants to be back here, but I miss him. His soft curly hair, long eye lashes, 11 fingers, precious toes, his sweet heart, how he loved my singing and holding my finger. I miss him so much.

I will never forget the pain surrounding his death. The sunday before was so horrible. He began to pass away in my hands peaceful at first but then he began to fight back, like the warrior he is. It was the worst thing I'd ever seen and not something I hope to endure again as a mother. I don't know how he came back from that episode, and it grieved and sickened me to see the battle. I remember even telling him to stop fighting, that i would be okay; but somehow he made it through that day. All i could do after that was pray Zane would never have to relive that experience. The Next day his doctor explained to me that if Zane had another similar episode, longer-lasting, it would be his recommendation to give Zane a sedative in order to take away the suffering. This was on decision I didn't want to make. Criminals given the death penalty don't have to suffer the way Zane had the day before. If it happened again what was I supposed to do. I began to pray that God would make it so I didnt have to make that decision. A few hours later that's exactly what He did. Zane slipped into eternity so peacefully without the use of any sedatives. He didn't stop looking into my eyes as he took his last few teeny breaths. I said prayers over him, bathed and dressed him and waited for the funeral home to come pick him up. When the man arrived with a small basket I kissed Zane's head one more time, and laid him in it. As I laid him down a small sound escaped out of me, one that i can only describe as the muffled sound of a mother's pain who just held her son as he passed away. Since that day this aching has not left me. Inside I am screaming and filled with agony, but exteriorly I am quiet and still.

Some days have been worse than others. The worst day since, by far, was this past Tuesday. I had court all day that day which was painful in itself, but during the two hour recess I had to pick up my son. What was left of my son on this earth all fit into a tiny baggy that was placed into a small blue box. The walk from the funeral home to my car seemed endless. My legs actually felt heavier. I remember sitting in my car for a few moments staring at the black gift bag that Zane's 'box' was in before heading back to court. When court finally finished that day; feverish, chilled, w/ a tear stained face I got back into my car. I looked one more time to the passenger's seat before I headed to class. This time there was a bright pink gift bag filled w/ present's for Izzy, a Batman gift bag w/ presents for David, both from the kid's Nana, and then there was Zane's bag. The aching within me was so deep at this moment. Tears flooded my eyes as it sunk in a little deeper that in the rest of my time here I would not bring home fun gifts for Zane. Oh how I miss my little warrior baby.

Despite the groaning within me I find rest, I find peace, and I find comfort. Heaven holds me and God sustains me.  I am so weak right now and have this feeling that I am so close to falling apart but God! He comforts, cares, and provides for me as only He can. He prepared my heart so perfectly for this journey He brought me through with Zane Owen. We celebrated Zane's 119 days and God's power exhibited in each one of them with a worship service and the releasing of 119 balloons. So many people have come around me and my family in this time with prayer and support that has blessed me, and often times helped me get through these difficult days. David and Izzy have also been a special blessing to their mommy in this time, Izzy in particular.

The day after Zane passed away, without knowing what had happened, Izzy came into my room and excitedly exclaimed, "mommy Zane's not sick anymore! He's all better mommy!" I told her that she was right and asked if she knew where he was. She responded "umm in the hospital." I then explained to her that Zane got to leave the hospital and has a new home in heaven with Jesus. She got so excited and said "With Jesus? Zane's with Jesus! Yay! Yay! Yay!" Her heart and spirit about it is perfect and holy. Zane being with Jesus is something to be excited about and something to celebrate!

The night Zane passed away through god's grace I was able to write this short message to him as a reflection of my heart in those moments ...

To my sweet baby Zane,

You battled so hard and I am blessed beyond what words can express by each moment the Lord allowed us to share together! Have fun in heaven tonight ~ cuddle with a gentle lion, or play with a lamb, take in the splendor of the throne room, rest in our Daddy's arms! I am so proud of you Zane! Some people say that being a mom is like letting parts of your heart walk around outside your body, it gives me joy to know that a little peace of me is in heaven tonight. I love you Zane Owen Ramirez, you truly are the strongest person I have ever known.

Love you forever,
Mommy

No News Really is Good News

Where is Zane today? Well, the lesson of the week for me has been that 'no news is good news'! The less my phone rings, the better. I had a meeting this past Friday to discuss Zane's prognosis and his new plan. Many had such high expectations of Zane not doing well when he was taken off the ventilator because he did so poorly last time he was taken off, that we hadn't really made a structured plan for if he succeeded. But, succeed he did!

I think that this meeting was the most refreshing meeting in regards to Zane since the time I found out his heart was normal on the fetal echocardiogram! Doctors cautioned that he is still high risk for having a severe episode of apnea that would cause him to pass away, or for being unable to retain enough nutrients to thrive properly, but they also had a greater sense of optimism than i had ever received. With a big smile the doctor explained that 'while those severe things could happen, they haven't yet, and we don't know when or for sure that they will happen. So right now what we have is time, which is great!' After i heard this it was hard for me to maintain focus, i wanted to stop him mid-sentence just to say 'Wait! Good news? Is this really good news about my son? Am I actually hearing that we are going to start moving in a positive direction? Can I actually be a little excited now and not have the thought of Zane's death constantly looming in the back of my mind?" So many miracles and amazing things have happened with Zane but this is what I have been waiting for, the moment when we stop preparing for his death, and can realistically begin preparing for his life! Oh what a blessing!

The road ahead is definitely a difficult one and it could be months before we are able to bring Zane home, but at least we now have a goal we are working towards! Our hope is to increase his nutrition, figure out what Zane will tolerate eating best that will allow him to grow big and strong, and hopefully in effect decrease his episodes of apnea. Since removing the tube we have found that Zane's apnea is most often related to an obstruction in the airway (usually a build up of mucus he is unable to cough up), as opposed to the inability neurologically to breathe consistently. He seems to have a few times where he will stop breathing b/c of a neurological problem but those episodes have all been very short, and he has recovered from them like the champ he is!

Today what I know about Zane is that after we took his tube out he lost weight b/c everything he was doing required more calories, and for the most part he was receiving just enough breastmilk to keep him hydrated. However, we have now increased his feeds and nutrition. Zane is gaining weight, and has not had an episode of apnea, emesis, or a bradycardia in 2 days!!! These things are such a huge blessing to me. This is why no news is good news! As opposed to earlier this week when his heart rate was dropping down as low as 11, yikes stripes! Each day is really such a blessing and no news has truly been the best news of all! Please continue to pray specifically for zane to grow, handle feedings well, breathe well, full resolution of his brain bleed, and healthy mental and physical development! Thank you all so much

Go Saints Go!

On Thursday I walked into the hospital wondering if I would be leaving Friday filled with grief over losing my son. As I walked in I ran into a girl that has become a common face that greets me in the evenings as I arrive at Duke. The girl asked how my son was doing and with a heavy heart I explained that they were not sure Zane would make it through the weekend, and would be taking out his tube the next morning. She had become a friend through our brief conversations each night and was upset that she would not know what happened Friday b/c she was not working. I explained that if she did not see me anymore she would know what happened.

Tonight I left the hospital for the first time since they took Zane's tube out, as arrived on the first floor the elevator doors slid open and my sweet friend was sitting at the desk! We both looked at each other with complete joy as I exclaimed to her with such relief "He is still alive!" 4 simple words that bring me an indescribable amount of happiness. As I drove the forty-five minutes home tears of joy streamed down my face! I am so completely humbled by the love of the Lord and His many children that have lifted my baby boy in prayer. The creator of the universe heard the cry of His children, reached out and touched my son, MY son! Thursday night I desperately reached out to a few friends asking them to join me in prayer and by Friday afternoon 30,000 people had agreed to pray over baby Zane! It is an awesome thing to be a part of this community of believers and to watch God at work. I do not know if Zane will still be alive tomorrow, I do know he has a long road ahead of him but tonight i am rejoicing! My baby went his first day today without having an episode of apnea, the day is not over yet but this is a large improvement on the previous days! It was also his first day since having the tube out that he did not spit up at all AND he required no pain meds! I feel as though I am going to collapse beneath the love of my father! Oh how you bless me DADDY!!!

Zane's nurse Marie and I have decided that Zane was reborn on Friday! Since his tube was taken out he has reminded us all of a newborn! All these weeks before he spent 95% of his time sleeping and was very unresponsive, now without the tube Zane has been looking at his mommy, lifting his head, and almost accidentally rolled himself off of mommy's chair! He is such an over achiever! It just touches me so much to see his little eyes open wide like they never have before! The feeling I cannot shake is that this weekend has made everything worth it. For the first time I feel that Zane is really enjoying his life and absorbing an overwhelming amount of love from so many people! He is busy being a baby which is just what he needs to be doing today! Thank you everyone so much for you continued prayers! I truly cannot say thank you enough! Each of you have played a part in saving my son's life by taking time to pray in faith to God to touch baby Zane. Go Saints Go!

Zane is God's Warrior!

The weeks I have had have been absolutely insane!!!After Zane received his diagnosis of Cornelia De Lange syndrome i was able to have a family meeting at duke w/ several of his providers. Before I go into detail I have to thank everyone for the excellent care Zane has received! Every one seems to genuinely care about Zane's outcome and desire nothing but the best for him. I have been particularly touched by the love shown to Zane and I by his nurses Marie and Nancy, 2 sweet women who love to love him!

In the meeting that day I was given an overwhelming amount of information, and I was able to ask so many questions. The people present were able to breakdown each of Zane's problems and the effects I could expect to see as a result and they were as follows ...
-Microcephaly- indicates a developmental delay intellectually and physically
-Brain Bleed- as a grade 4 would at LEAST cause a mild amount of cerebral palsy
-Severe effect of Cornelia De Lange Syndrome- causing Zane to not be able to walk, talk or interact, not grow correctly, as well as not be able to tolerate feedings.
-Apnea- would cause him to pass away unless given a permanent breathing tube in his throat (tracheostomy).
Zane doesnt have just one of these things but all of them combined. The doctors anticipated quality of life if zane was given a permanent breathing tube was that he would also require a permanent feeding tube in his stomach, a fundoplication to prevent him from having reflux, he would not be able to walk, talk, or interact and would be confined to a stroller.
The doctors explained that Zane was physically ready for his breathing tube to come out, his lungs were fully developed and he had the body mass he needed to breathe effectively. It was time for Zane to prove if breathing was something his brain tells him to do consistently! The decision I had to make was if Zane did poorly what I would like the doctors next move to be. Do I allow God to be God/let nature take it's course, or do I have the doctors connect a permanent breathing tube to his throat w/ the understanding they feel he will never walk, talk or really enjoy his life.
Ultimately through this whole process I have had 2 goals. Number one to allow my son's life to rest in God's hands and doing what i believe He would require of me as a mother to advocate for my son to have a full life. As a mother this decision overwhelmed, especially as each day I saw my little boy become more and more uncomfortable. I made the choice that we would get Zane as ready as he could possibly be to breathe on his own with the least amount of suffering possible, then take the tube out and leave the rest up to God. I know that He is alive and active and in the miracle business. The Lord is able to give Zane everything he needs to live a full and happy life! The next day I was informed that his doctor expected Zane would be the most ready on September 15th or 16th. Everyone helping care for Zane made it clear that they didnt expect him to make it very long after the extubation. They explained that he may surprise us all but they had not seen a child with zane's conditions survive. We discussed different options for a memorial service should he do as they expected as well as different things we could do while he was still here to enjoy the time we had. Taking the tube out on the 16th gave me less than a week with my little man should he not survive. By God's grace I was able to have peace and enjoy the moments I was with Zane. I stayed at the hospital every night I could, read him stories, sang him songs, talked to him about heaven, made footprints and special hand molds w/ him, and even let his big sister meet him. In the moments I was not holding him I could feel a groan in my spirit, an ache over the life of my son! I would weep as I cried out to the Lord to give full life to my son, to allow me the blessing of more time w/ His baby! I was overwhelmed by the realization that God had already used Zane to touch so many lives, especially mine. He gave me 2.5 months w/ a baby that I was told probably wouldn't survive birth. I got to see, touch, kiss and snuggle my little miracle, what a blessing!
As friday morning quickly approached my mind would race as i tried to imagine what the outcome of that morning would be. If he didn't survive how would I? How would i bear it? How would I continue on w/ my life, w/ school and w/ work? How would I continue to be the mother my 2 other babies need me to be? I wasn't sure exactly what the answer to those questions looked like but I knew God would give me the strength and supply all my needs.

Yesterday morning was Zane's big day, he needed to spread his wings and fly! We needed God to help him show everyone the one in a million baby that he was. Each minute we got closer the more real it became to me. The more acutely aware I was that soon God might be calling Zane home. That morning almost 30,000 people on facebook alone joined us in prayer as doctors took the tube out. With my family surrounding us with love and prayers, Zane's nurse Marie gently removed Zane's tube. I know at that moment I felt like my chest was collapsing and I wasn't breathing, I am guessing everyone in the room was holding their breath hopefully waiting for Zane to breathe effectively on his own. Zane coughed a little as the tube came out and began taking breaths on his own! One of my sweet friends Layla who is extremely talented was nice enough to make herself available to photograph these precious moments. We took pictures w/ Zane's brother and sister, as well as several other family members. Zane's breathing was labored and he began to lose color in his face. The nurse asked everyone to leave at this time so I could have time with just me and Zane. Layla stayed a few more moments and took some special pictures of Zane and mommy. Then it was just me and little man. I felt Marie wasn't sure if Zane was going to improve from this point and tears flooded down my cheeks as I thought that my sweet warrior would soon be with my creator. I whispered through my tears that I loved him so much. I told him how proud I was of him for fighting as long as he had. I explained that I understood if God needed him in heaven and that i would not be upset with him. I cried the most as I said " if you need to go to heaven just remember mommy loves you so much and I will miss you every day! I did everything I know how to help you have the best life you possibly could here with us." Once I finished saying that I began begging God to break in with his power, to cause him to live a full life. After about 10 minutes I had 2 people that are very close to my heart come back in the room to support me through this time. As they entered I blinked through the tears and realized Zane's color was beginning to come back and his breathing was looking more and more comfortable.

Zane did not stop there! He continued to breathe on his own for the next 10 hours! Zane's doctor came in and said she was so excited that Zane was proving her wrong and hoped he continued to do so! Then at about 8:45 Zane spit up and stopped breathing. It felt as though we were about to lose him. The Lord overwhelmed me with peace as I watched my son lose all of the color in his body. There was a brief moment that I wasn't sure if he was still alive. I gently began rocking him back and forth and soon his color began to return! His breathing started out shallow and periodic but after about an hour he was back to normal! Praise Jesus! It has now been 36 hours since Zane has had his tube out and he continues to do very well. He has had a few more episodes of spitting up and not breathing well, but none like that first one!
From the doctor's perspective if Zane can do this for a week they will feel more confident that he is neurologically able to breathe consistently. The next hurdle that we are facing is getting Zane to tolerate his feedings. Right now he is eating just enough to keep him alive, so we need to figure out how to get him eating enough to put some meat on his bones!

God continues to overwhelm me with his love as He moves in my child and strengthens him. I am so grateful for the miracles He continues to do in Zane and for the thousands of people that covered his life in prayer! The tube in his nose is different from the ventilator b/c it gives him oxygen but doesnt actually do the breathing for him :)

Oh What a Month!

This month has been a roller coaster for SURE! The doctors at Duke have been trying diligently to get Zane to grow, get him  on c-pap, get him to tolerate his feeds and get some answers! I am truly blessed by the incredible care that Zane receives daily at Duke! This month we also had a concern for pneumonia and necrotizing enterocolitis. Necrotizing enterocolitis has been ruled out for now and he was treated successfully for pneumonia. The biggest news of the month came tonight but before i share that, I will share about my meeting yesterday.

Yesterday I was able to sit down with Zane's providers and discuss many of my concerns and get a feel for what their prognosis was. When Zane was born he seemed to be doing quite well all things considered. However, over the past month i have noticed a gradual decline. His due date was 9/19/11, so at this point Zane should have been off the ventilator quite some time ago, he should weigh at least 4.5 lbs (2kg), and be tolerating full feeds. Not for lack of trying, Zane has thus far not accomplished these critical tasks and is showing what is medically referred to as 'failure to thrive'. My question to his providers was 'how long do you keep trying what we are trying before there is a confidence that this is something he is not able to do? are we at that point or are we getting close to that point?' I feel that this is an extremely difficult subject to broach w/ a parent and doctor's certainly don't want to do it pre-emptively, but once i initiated the doctors were sad admit they share the same concerns. It was explained to me that if by his due date he still was not progressing in these 3 crucial ways, i would be left w/ the difficult decision of either taking him off the ventilator letting nature take it's course, or consider doing a trach requiring him to be on a ventilator for the rest of his life.

So why one month? We were still waiting on some genetic testing results as well as an updated head ultrasound to assess his brain bleed. This month would also give him time to grow and see if he could establish a little more consistency in that area. As i left the meeting i was unimaginably overwhelmed. I had 1000 thoughts and questions buzzing through my head and whenever i tried to talk to some it was as if i drew a complete blank. I couldn't organize my thoughts or communicate my concerns. I almost felt as though my body was sedated and my brain was given a shot of adrenaline. There were 3 predominant thoughts though. I kept picturing Zane, his sweet little face and blonde curly hair, and imagining going to the hospital one day knowing they would turn everything off, that i wouldnt hold him again until God brought us back together again! An agony twists inside of me as i think of holding him for those last few moments, watching him take his last breath, singing over him as he flies to Jesus. I pray and believe that God can do a miracle and save me from such a day. The second predominant thought in my mind was what would life be like on constant life support, always connected to a tube in your throat? Are you able to live an enjoyable life w/ something like that or is it a constant battle and struggle? Finally the last thought that overwhelmed me was a question which was, "God, what was the point? I know that your plan is the best, but I am trying to understand what the point was." As I meditated on that thought God broke in w/ his faithfulness and reminded me of something very important. A few short months ago i was crying out to Him, weeping, and just begging for the chance to meet my son when so many felt that was something i would not get to do. BUT GOD! God allowed me the opportunity to not only meet my sweet little boy and see his precious face, but to also hold him close to me and spend these past 2 precious months letting him know he is deeply loved by his mother and so many others. I have enjoyed every moment of praying and singing over Zane, and I continue to hope for many more moments to come. But no matter the outcome I praise you father for blessing me w/ the opportunity to see Zane's face so that i will know my son when i see him in heaven!

And what was the BIG news of the month??? If you haven't already heard or figured it out, today we received a positive diagnosis for Cornelia De Lange Syndrome. I have so much research ahead of me and a lot of unanswered questions! i will hopefully post an update soon on what having CDLS actually means for Zane. In the meantime please continue to pray for strength, wisdom and provision for me. The drives back and forth to duke each day are getting expensive! (but God continues to provide) And pray that Zane will grow and BREATHE!!! thank you everyone!

So Many Updates

The geneticists just called and confirmed that the tests were normal and gave me a lot more information. Apparently there are about three more levels of tests they will want to do before they can completely rule out a genetic defect altogether. However, his blood test coming back normal is still a GREAT thing! If a genetic defect is formed at conception it will be evident in all areas of the body; blood cells, skin tissue, etc. If it is formed a few weeks after conception that means part of the body has formed before being effected. So now they will be doing another chromosomal test on his skin tissue as well as a test to specifically address Cornelia De Lange's. Their primary concern is no longer Trisomy 18, AMEN! These tests may take about 9 weeks before they are both performed and I have the results back. Little Zane needs to grow a bit more before they can do the skin tissue test! Following those tests there a few other levels of testing that will be done, we still need lots of prayer!

The good news is when they did his echo today the hole in his heart was still open but they decided against surgery because Zane is not symptomatic. It may close on it's own as he continues to grow, but for now we will continue to monitor him! Also, the swelling in his brain has NOT increased! What a blessing! Last but definitely not least, and what I am most excited about; they are going to begin feeding him breastmilk today through a feeding tube- 1/2ml ever 6 hours! He REALLY needs this so this is WONDERFUL! Thank you all for you many prayers. The Lord is Moving!

The Geneticist just called and confirmed that the tests were normal and gave me a lot more info. Apparently there are about 3 more levels of tests they'll want to do b4 they can completely rule out a genetic defect altogether but his blood test coming back normal is still a GREAT thing. Next they'll do a skin tissue test but they need to give him a few more wks to grow! please continue 2 pray for R lil warrior ♥