Life with an Angel Warrior in Heaven

For months I have been meaning to post again on how life has been since our little man went to be with Jesus! Sorry I was not able to do it sooner, sometimes it was because i didnt have the time, and other days it was just a bit too difficult for me to handle.

So what has life been like since Zane went to be with his Daddy? Although I am young I have experienced quite a bit of heartache in my life. I have gone through many experiences most women would avoid like the plague. I used to say I had experienced everything a women does not want to experience except losing a child if that gives you an idea of the array of situations I have come through thus far. Obviously now that has changed. What I can say is that the loss of a child is literally unlike any other pain or loss ever. I sincerely dont even want anyone to imagine how it feels, particularly parents. I am a woman that ordinarily has a fast rebound rate after a storm of life rolls through. However, with losing Zane this was just not the case, but not for lack of trying. I tried all of my usual strategies for staying positive and keeping my head up and overall just feeling like me, but they proved pointless.

I had to resolve in my mind that for a while it would seem that i would i just have to be sad and work through the pain. Many of the people around me were going on with life as usual, enjoying themselves, as they should. Meanwhile, I longed to be that way again. Not to say I haven't enjoyed anything these last few months because i have, but everything has been a little different. That is to say I haven't felt like I could fully enjoy things the way I used to, and everyday no matter how much I fought it this overwhelming wave of grief would overtake me. Some days I was just sad because I could no longer hold him, some days I was feeling like i should have spent more time at the hospital, some days I was wondering if I made the right decisions medically, and some days I was crying just thinking of some of my favorite moments with my sweet little man. Its quite difficult to accurately convey the myriad of emotions I experienced over the last few months, but I think most often I felt like a stranger in my own body just fighting to get back to being me.

I even had moments of struggling with my faith. In the last several months I never doubted the reality of God, but I had moments of confusion where I wondered things like "what now?", or "what was the point exactly and what is the point now?" These are questions that I did not and would not dismiss easily. Also, surprisingly I lost a dear friend through this experience. I am aware of the fact that this experience has changed me quite a bit, and it was these changes from being my  normal, happy, chipper self that drove this friend away. However, I am trusting the Lord to do what is necessary in their heart and mine to put us exactly where He would have us be.

The Lord in His graciousness reminded me of His faithfulness as well as His sovereignty. Life without Zane has definitely been more difficult than I ever could have imagined, but God helped me to remember that this isn't the end of my story, and I just need to continue to trust His guidance. Today is the day my little warrior would have been 9 months old and the 24th marked the five month anniversary of his new life in heaven. It was last week that I began to really feel like myself again. I still think of Zane daily but I am incredibly happy to be back to my optimistic joyful self!

The Lord continues in His faithfulness to me and my little family. He has brought me through a few surgeries since bringing Zane home, one of the bigger ones that was a little hard on me was a craniotomy! I had this done around Christmas and was extremely sick on Christmas Eve but since I have been relieved of migraines, pressure from changes in elevation, and dizzy spells. Praise Jesus! My kids and I still watch videos of baby Zane on days when they ask to go see him, but they are so happy he gets to be in heaven with our Daddy. Thank you all so much for your care and prayers through our journey with Zane. Be blessed!