Play Baby Play

On Monday October 24, 2011 my baby boy went to be with Jesus. It has been 12 days and I haven't slowed down since, until this hour. There is an aching inside that doesn't go away. It's like a stabbing pain in my left side that seems connected by a string to the pain in my heart. It's always there, sometimes more agonizing than other, but it doesn't go away. I miss him so much; I am sure nothing in him wants to be back here, but I miss him. His soft curly hair, long eye lashes, 11 fingers, precious toes, his sweet heart, how he loved my singing and holding my finger. I miss him so much.

I will never forget the pain surrounding his death. The sunday before was so horrible. He began to pass away in my hands peaceful at first but then he began to fight back, like the warrior he is. It was the worst thing I'd ever seen and not something I hope to endure again as a mother. I don't know how he came back from that episode, and it grieved and sickened me to see the battle. I remember even telling him to stop fighting, that i would be okay; but somehow he made it through that day. All i could do after that was pray Zane would never have to relive that experience. The Next day his doctor explained to me that if Zane had another similar episode, longer-lasting, it would be his recommendation to give Zane a sedative in order to take away the suffering. This was on decision I didn't want to make. Criminals given the death penalty don't have to suffer the way Zane had the day before. If it happened again what was I supposed to do. I began to pray that God would make it so I didnt have to make that decision. A few hours later that's exactly what He did. Zane slipped into eternity so peacefully without the use of any sedatives. He didn't stop looking into my eyes as he took his last few teeny breaths. I said prayers over him, bathed and dressed him and waited for the funeral home to come pick him up. When the man arrived with a small basket I kissed Zane's head one more time, and laid him in it. As I laid him down a small sound escaped out of me, one that i can only describe as the muffled sound of a mother's pain who just held her son as he passed away. Since that day this aching has not left me. Inside I am screaming and filled with agony, but exteriorly I am quiet and still.

Some days have been worse than others. The worst day since, by far, was this past Tuesday. I had court all day that day which was painful in itself, but during the two hour recess I had to pick up my son. What was left of my son on this earth all fit into a tiny baggy that was placed into a small blue box. The walk from the funeral home to my car seemed endless. My legs actually felt heavier. I remember sitting in my car for a few moments staring at the black gift bag that Zane's 'box' was in before heading back to court. When court finally finished that day; feverish, chilled, w/ a tear stained face I got back into my car. I looked one more time to the passenger's seat before I headed to class. This time there was a bright pink gift bag filled w/ present's for Izzy, a Batman gift bag w/ presents for David, both from the kid's Nana, and then there was Zane's bag. The aching within me was so deep at this moment. Tears flooded my eyes as it sunk in a little deeper that in the rest of my time here I would not bring home fun gifts for Zane. Oh how I miss my little warrior baby.

Despite the groaning within me I find rest, I find peace, and I find comfort. Heaven holds me and God sustains me.  I am so weak right now and have this feeling that I am so close to falling apart but God! He comforts, cares, and provides for me as only He can. He prepared my heart so perfectly for this journey He brought me through with Zane Owen. We celebrated Zane's 119 days and God's power exhibited in each one of them with a worship service and the releasing of 119 balloons. So many people have come around me and my family in this time with prayer and support that has blessed me, and often times helped me get through these difficult days. David and Izzy have also been a special blessing to their mommy in this time, Izzy in particular.

The day after Zane passed away, without knowing what had happened, Izzy came into my room and excitedly exclaimed, "mommy Zane's not sick anymore! He's all better mommy!" I told her that she was right and asked if she knew where he was. She responded "umm in the hospital." I then explained to her that Zane got to leave the hospital and has a new home in heaven with Jesus. She got so excited and said "With Jesus? Zane's with Jesus! Yay! Yay! Yay!" Her heart and spirit about it is perfect and holy. Zane being with Jesus is something to be excited about and something to celebrate!

The night Zane passed away through god's grace I was able to write this short message to him as a reflection of my heart in those moments ...

To my sweet baby Zane,

You battled so hard and I am blessed beyond what words can express by each moment the Lord allowed us to share together! Have fun in heaven tonight ~ cuddle with a gentle lion, or play with a lamb, take in the splendor of the throne room, rest in our Daddy's arms! I am so proud of you Zane! Some people say that being a mom is like letting parts of your heart walk around outside your body, it gives me joy to know that a little peace of me is in heaven tonight. I love you Zane Owen Ramirez, you truly are the strongest person I have ever known.

Love you forever,
Mommy